9号秘事 第三季 第2集
9号
营业
账单迷局
打烊
他说 "我已经对国家障碍赛马会失去兴趣了 He said, "I don't bother with the Grand National any more.
去年 我的马在安特里赛马场的赔率从33赔1 "Last year, my horse started at 33-1 at Aintree
跌到沦为马肉在超市买一送一" "and ended up as Two for one at ASDA!"
-不好意思 麻烦买单 -好的 - Excuse me. Could we get the bill, please? - Of course.
话说 我们当年一起在灵菲尔德上学 89年对吧 Anyway, like I was saying, we were at Lingfield... '89, was it?
不 比那个更晚 No, it was later than that.
真的 是戴安娜王妃去世后的事 Yes, it was after Diana had died.
-这事跟她有什么关系 -我就这么记的 - What's she got to do with it? - I just remember.
好吧 99年 行了吧 All right, well, '99, whatever.
这位大教授算出 And the Professor here had worked out
如果我们把累积赌注押到七场比赛 就能赢得... if we put this accumulator on seven races, we could have made...
-多少来着 阿奇 -50万 - What was it, Archie? - Half a million.
50万 Half a million.
不是正好50万 是46万9千 Well, it wasn't half a million. It was 469,000.
好吧 见鬼了 又不用精确到个位数 对吧 All right. Fucking hell. We're not to the nearest quid, are we?
-凯文 能不能别一直打断我 -好 抱歉 - Kevin, will you stop interrupting my flow? - Yeah, sorry.
我们都选了七匹马 So, we all had to pick seven horses
然后每人存十块到零钱宝 and put a tenner each in the diddlum.
到哪儿 The what?
零钱宝 The diddlum.
-零钱宝是什么 -零钱宝啊 - What's a diddlum? - The diddlum!
就是大家存零钱的地方 It's a wotsit where you all chip in.
-就是零钱宝 你从来没听过零钱宝吗 -没有 - It's the diddlum. You never heard of a diddlum? - No.
就是你每周往那儿存进一点钱 It's where you pay in a bit each week.
是个储蓄计划 It's a savings scheme.
北部独有的吗 Like a northern thing?
就像是用北部口音说"把钱存进零钱宝 You know, "Put tha' oney in't diddlum
就能买小灵狗和面包卷..." mand buy some whippets and barm cakes and..."
抱歉 继续 Sorry, go on.
反正我们把零钱宝里的钱都赌上了 So, anyway, we'd all put in our diddlum money
然后在第一轮分别选了一匹马 and chose a horse each for the first round.
你选的是哪匹来着 蹄之心吗 You had, what was it? Hoof Hearted?
蹄之心 3赔1 我第二喜欢的 Hoof Hearted, 3-1, second favourite.
教授选了匹名字很文艺的 非凡... Prof chose some fancy writer thing. Outrageous...
非凡运气 Outrageous Fortune.
就是这个 以贝特·迈德尔那个电影命名的 That's it, after the Bette Midler film.
是莎士比亚的名句 Shakespeare.
我选了7号铁杆 50赔1 And I had Mashie Niblick at 50-1.
瞧 聪明人 赌冷门的 See? Clever boy, back the outsider.
没错 把奖金提高 Exactly! To push the winnings up.
生活就是一场勇敢的冒险 否则毫无意义 Life is either a daring adventure or it is nothing at all.
你知道这句话是谁说的吗 海伦·凯勒 Do you know who said that? Helen Keller.
冲击金牌 Going for Gold.
BBC恰好有个节目叫《冲击金牌》 主持人是亨利·凯利
那是亨利·凯利 That's Henry Kelly!
对 抱歉 Yeah, sorry.
然后接下来 So, anyway, what happened next,
我就把零钱宝的钱给了阿奇 I gave the diddlum money to Archie...
-他没给 -我给了 - He didn't. - I did!
他说他给了 但他在... He says he did, but he was found...
不要 让我说完 No, let me finish!
-我们在接待区找到他... -胡扯 - He was found in the hospitality area... - Rubbish!
正跟两个美女在吃英式早餐 With two dolly birds and a full English breakfast.
有点没"精"神 Slightly worse for wear.
戴安娜王妃去世了 我很难过 Well, I was upset that Diana had died!
他把钱全花光了 And he'd spent the lot.
-不会吧 -没错 有钱 - No! - Yeah, kerching.
-怎么 把零钱宝的钱都花光了 -的确如此 - What? Diddled the diddlum? - He did indeed.
-马尔科姆 -先提醒你 克雷格 - Malcolm! - So, just be warned, Craig,
你不能过于信任他 you can't trust him as far as you can throw him.
不好意思 阿奇 住在玻璃屋的人 Excuse me, Archie! People in glass houses!
什么 What?
意为自身品格有问题的人 没资格批评别人
不该乱扔石头 Shouldn't throw stones.
是啊 应该在里面跟脱衣舞女开性爱派对 No, they should throw sex parties with strippers.
快说 接下来发生了什么事 So, come on, then. What happened then?
不 我自己猜 全部马都获得名次了 对吧 No, don't tell me. All the horses came in, right?
没错 50万就这样打水漂 Yeah, exactly. Half a million down the drain.
是46万9千 Well, 469,000.
行了行了 够了 不过是钱而已嘛 克雷格 Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right. It's only money in't it, Craig?
不值得为这个吵架 Not worth falling out over.
账单来了 先生们 希望你们用餐愉快 Here you go, gentlemen. I hope you enjoy your meal.
很美味 谢谢 It was lovely, thanks.
不好意思 亲爱的 能给我们点薄荷糖吗 Excuse me, darling. Can we get some mints?
什么 Please?
就是收银台旁边那个碗里的薄荷糖 You know, the mints in the bowl by the till,
想清清口气 just to cleanse the palate.
不 厨房杂工会清理盘子 Oh, no, the kitchen boy will cleanse the palate.
不 不是盘子 No, no. Not plates.
口气 明白吗 口气 The palate. You know? The palate.
我指那些薄荷糖 放嘴里的 砸吧砸吧 I mean the mints. In the mouth. Sucky-sucky.
抱歉 好的 我给您拿些 我第一天上班 所以... Sorry. Yes. I'll get you some. It's my first day. So...
她别想拿到小费了 Well, she's not getting a tip.
我不介意让她试试我小不小 I wouldn't mind giving her my tip.
你为什么找她要尿味薄荷糖 What are you doing, asking for piss-mints?
放在收银台的尿味薄荷糖 Piss-mints by the till.
为什么是尿味薄荷糖 Why are they piss-mints?
因为人们从厕所出来后 不洗手 Because people come out the bogs, they don't wash their hands
然后经过时伸手进去拿薄荷糖 and then they dip in for a mint on the way past.
才不会 人又不是畜牲 No! People aren't animals.
其实就是的 有人做过测试 They are, actually. They did a test.
没错 他们验了一个碗 Exactly. They tested a bowl,
发现了15种不同种类的尿 they found 15 different types of piss.
不同种类的尿是什么意思 What do you mean - different types of piss?!
尿哪有不同种类 There aren't different types of piss!
有的 跟好的红酒一样 There are! Like fine wines!
天啊 真想快点回到奇斯威克 Jesus Christ! I can't wait to get back to Chiswick.
对啊 因为伦敦的尿就像气泡水 Yeah, because London piss is like sparkling water,
拉完可以直接喝回去 you just drink it straight back down again.
差不多是这样 Pretty much, yeah.
我告诉你们 北部餐厅的薄荷糖 Well, I'm just telling you, mints in northern restaurants,
-都沾满了尿 -还有屎 - they're all drenched in piss. - And faecal matter.
给你 我拿了一大把 There you go, I give you big handful.
瞧瞧啊 克雷格 Look at them, Craig!
你不打算清除口气了吗 You not going to cleanse your palate, then?
不了 我还是带回去给孩子们吧 No, I think I'll take them for the kids.
-你有几个孩子 克雷格 -两个 - How many kids do you have, Craig? - I've got two.
现在正好放期中假 It's half-term,
所以他们也跟保姆一起来北部了 so they come up with the au pair.
我跟他们说是来旅行 不过是要跟穷人一起 I told them it was a safari, but with poor people.
这里可是有很多赚钱机会的 There's plenty of lolly swilling around up here, you know.
只要你知道上哪儿找 As long as you know where to look for it.
-你太太 她... -离婚了 - And your wife, is she...? - Divorced.
我花得最值的75万 Best three-quarter of a million pound I ever spent.
-真的吗 -是啊 - Really? - Yeah.
为什么老婆都跟手榴弹似的 Why is a wife like a hand grenade?
戒指一摘 砰 你房子就没了 Remove the ring and boom, your house has gone.
那真是一单贵得要死的生意 That's a terribly expensive business.
你知道为什么这么贵吗 凯文 Do you know why it's so expensive, Kevin?
因为值得 Because it's worth it.
说到关于钱的不当争论 Talking of unseemly squabbles about money,
我们来看看这张账单吧 let's have a little look at this bill.
这是我的份 包含了10%服务费 Well, there's my contribution, including a 10% service charge.
才10% 你个小气鬼 10? You tight bastard!
给她15% 像个正常人一样 Give her 15, like a normal human being!
-10%是行业标准 -什么行业 - 10 is industry standard. - What industry?
她给一屋子的肥猪端盘子 She's slopping plates round for a room full of fat pigs!
你不是吧 凯文 Honestly, Kevin!
给我 克雷格 我来买单 Give it here, Craig. I'm going to get this.
-不要 马尔科姆 -不行 这样不合适 - No, Malcolm. - No way, that's not right.
别说了 我买单 让我来 Shut up, I am. It's on me.
上次就是你付的 这次让我来吧 You got it last time, let me get this one.
走开 我来付 多少钱 Get off, I'm paying it. How much is it?
天啊 还是你来吧 Ooh, Jesus Christ! Go on, then!
开玩笑的啦 说笑而已 我真的不介意付钱 Joking! I'm joking! I don't mind, honestly.
不行 我不接受 是我邀请克雷格来的 No, I'm not having that. I invited Craig along.
-本来就打算请他的 -那又怎么样 - I was going to pay for him anyway. - So what?
克雷格是我的朋友 你不许跟他玩 Craig's my friend. You can't play with him!
别这么孩子气 阿奇 Don't be so childish, Archie.
我没有 是你在耍小孩子脾气 I'm not being childish. You're the one who's being childish.
没关系了 Hey, it doesn't matter.
有关系 你把这事搞得一团乱 这不公平 It does. You're messing it up. It's not fair.
各位 我来付吧 Guys, listen, I'm getting it.
-不行 -不行 - No! - No!
我付 Yes!
我很快就可以回到文明世界了 I'm going back to civilisation soon.
我知道你们北部人都很穷 I know that all you northerners are very poor,
-只有无息圣诞储蓄和"零蛋宝" -是零钱宝 - what with your Christmas clubs and your diddums... - Diddlums.
所以我想请你们 没得商量 So, I'd like to treat you all, please. No arguments!
谢谢 克雷格 你太好了 Well, thank you, Craig. That's very kind of you.
见鬼了 凯文 话说得真快 Bloody hell, Kevin! That was quick.
他还没说请客 你就已经谢谢他了 You thanked him before he'd even offered!
他从来不放过任何机会 是吧 Doesn't miss a trick, does he?
不 我说了要付自己那份 No, I offered to pay my way.
是啊 就像那次去奥特利看联赛 Yeah, like the time you offered me petrol money
你要付汽油份子钱一样 for that league game in Otley!
那是根据直线距离的里程数 That was based on mileage as the crow flies,
-再除以我们四个人算出来的 -就两英镑 -divided by the four of us. - £2!
那是合理的计算结果 It was mathematically sound!
是啊 给的都是硬币 Yeah, all in coppers!
-要不要帮你们四人均摊付账 -不必了 - Right, shall I split you four ways? - No.
不用了 不过我不介意把你操得四脚朝天 No, but I wouldn't mind splitting you four ways.
不行 我来付 认识你很高兴 克雷格 No, I'm getting this. It's been very nice to meet you, Craig.
你今晚打得非常棒 You played very well tonight,
你们这一队光明正大地赢了我和凯文 the pair of you beat Kevin and I fair and square,
胜利奖品 奖品是给胜利者的 so Victoribus Spolia, to the victor, the spoils.
我不跟你争 马尔科姆 Well, I won't argue with you, Malcs.
不好意思 马尔科姆 那是胡说八道 I'm sorry, Malcolm. That is bullshit!
我们从来没有让输的人付过钱 We've never played that before, loser pays!
开这样的先例可不好 It's a very dangerous precedent to set.
我不是开先例 只是想请大家吃饭 It's not a precedent. I would like to pay for your meals.
麻烦刷这张卡 谢谢 Put it all on this, please.
不 刷这张 我坚持 No, put on this, please. I insist.
行了 别激动 小心待会心脏病犯了 All right, calm down. You'll give yourself a heart attack.
你为什么这么在意这件事 Why are you making such a big deal out of it?
因为我觉得这对我很重要 好吗 It's just important to me, all right?
谢谢你 阿奇 你人真好 Thank you, Archie. That's very kind.
我靠 Bloody hell!
没想到羽毛球界的竞争这么激烈 Never realised that badminton was so competitive.
并没有什么竞争 It's not competitive.
只是马尔科姆有时候过于慷慨了 It's just that Malcolm is overgenerous at times,
对吧 马科 这顿我请了 各位 aren't you, Malc? This is my treat, everybody.
下次你再请吧 You can get the next one.
抱歉 没有打印纸了 我去去就来 Sorry, it's run out of paper. I'll be back.
"我一定会回来的" I'll be back!
《终结者》台词 Terminator.
你真聪明 阿奇 这一手玩得好 Very clever, Archie. Very clever trick.
我已经看穿你的把戏 I can see what you're doing.
什么意思 What do you mean?
让我来请下一顿 容我想想 Letting me get the next one, which is, oh, let me think,
应该是布朗餐厅的妻友之夜吧 wives and girlfriends night at Browns.
-所以呢 -所以价格会翻倍 不是吗 - So? - So, it'll be double the price, won't it?
甚至不止两倍 要是你家苏西 Even more, if your Susie puts it away
跟上次圣诞节一样打包的话 like she did at the Christmas do!
-马尔科姆 -那么多莫吉多鸡尾酒 - Malcolm! - All those mojitos!
你不应该把苏西扯进来 马尔科姆 那是不对的 You shouldn't bring Susie into it, Malcolm. That's wrong.
我喜欢苏西这个名字 I like the sound of Susie!
她有姐妹吗 Has she got a sister?
算了 无所谓 这顿塞牙缝的你来付 Anyway, it's fine. You just get this little starter.
下次我来掏腰包请你们吃大餐 你真会玩 I'll pay for the proper grown-up meal next time. Well done.
行 那下一顿也我请 既然你要这样算计 Fine, I'll get the next one as well, if you're keeping track.
我不是在算计 No-one's keeping track.
很明显是啊 都算到下一顿去了 You clearly are, if you're thinking one ahead.
我都根本没想到下一顿会在哪里吃 It hadn't occurred to me what the next one was.
那不如你们均摊吧 Why don't you just split it, then?
这顿饭钱你们两个人平摊 Why don't you just split it two ways?
这样就没人丢面子了 Then no-one loses face.
什么丢面子 我不觉得丢面子啊 Who's losing face? I'm not losing face.
为什么两个人平摊 怎么不三个人平摊 Why two ways anyway? Why not three ways?
-好吧 如果克雷格想... -我是说你 - Fine, fine. If Craig wants... - I meant with you!
我操 你真是个"铁肉棒" Jesus! What a blue cock!
-什么叫"铁肉棒" -就是铁"公鸡" - What's a blue cock? - A tight-fisted wanker.
这梗不错 我要拿来用 That's good! I'm having that!
不 听着 我很愿意出自己那份钱 No, no. Listen, I'm happy to pay my way.
我已经说过了 I've already demonstrated that.
收起你的小钱包吧 吝啬鬼 Oh, put your little purse away, Ebenezer.
我们不需要你那点钢镚儿 We don't need your shrapnel.
你们到底要不要我付钱 Do you want me to pay or not?
要啊 三人平摊 我们请克雷格 Yeah, three ways! So we can treat Craig!
不用这样 It's not necessary.
行吧 我没喝酒也没吃开胃菜 所以... Fine! Well, I don't drink and I didn't have a starter, so...
那又如何 你享受了这个夜晚 So what? You contributed to the evening,
享受了大家的陪伴 吃了多少并不重要 to the company provided, not what's in your belly!
他每次都这样 He always does this!
-不 因为我知道菜单内容 -是儿童菜单吧 - No, it's just that I know all these menus... - Kids' menus!
这不重要 因为我在出门以前 That is not the point and I know exactly what I'm going to have
就知道要点什么了 before I come out.
我对自己的消费支出控制得很严格 And I like to have the requisite funds about my person.
我毕竟没你们那么有钱 对吧 I don't have the same resources as you, do I?
我花钱得谨慎些 I have to be careful.
谨慎 他在克利瑟罗有两套房 Careful?! He's got two houses in Clitheroe!
都是公寓房而已 而且有一间我妈在住... Well, they're flats and one of them's got my mother in it, so...
你向你妈收多少房租 And how much rent do you charge her?
-不关你的事 -我操还真收 我开玩笑的 - None of your business! - Bloody hell! I was joking!
他这么抠门 要是从钱包里掏出十英镑 He's that mean, when he takes a tenner out of his wallet,
纸币上的女王都会被闪到眼睛 the Queen blinks in the light!
不 我只是觉得这样不公平 No, it's that I don't think it's fair
我为什么要分摊别人的... that I end up subsidising other people's...
别人什么 What?
暴饮暴食 Gluttony!
你是在说我吗 凯文 Are you directing that at me, Kevin?
你是在说我吗 我这是甲状腺问题 Are you directing that at me? Cos this is glandular!
-请问是 辛肯斯先生吗 -对 - Right. So, it was, Mr Simkins...? - Yes.
不要 说真的 我来吧 No, no, guys, honest. I've got this.
你把卡收起来 Now, put it away.
不行 我真的想请大家 No. Please! I'd really like to!
我来付 I'll pay.
我来支付全款吧 谢谢 I'd like to pay the whole bill, please.
凯文 你...真大方 Kevin, that is...so generous of you.
你确定吗 Are you sure?
没事的 It's fine.
或许你们可以出小费部分 Perhaps you could all put in for the tip.
真是太阳打西边出来 Well, wonders never cease.
对了 我有半价优惠券 Oh, and I have these vouchers for 50% off.
-什么 -半价优惠吗 - What?! - Whoa, whoa, whoa! 50% off?!
没错 我在优惠券网站上找到的 Yes, I got them from a coupon website.
刚才我要付钱的时候你怎么不说 You were going to let ME pay for it?
我想攒着下次用 Well, I was saving them for another time.
哪有下次 你从来不出门 What other time? You never go out!
抱歉 凯文 你要是想请客 I'm sorry, Kevin. If you're paying for dinner,
就好好请客 别拿什么优惠券糊弄人 you're paying for dinner. None of this coupon shit!
反正这些优惠券已经过期了 很抱歉 They are out of date anyway. I'm sorry.
跟你的避孕套一样 有效期至2000年一月 They're like your condoms, Kevin! Use by January 2000!
把你那些一英镑钞票拿出来吧 Get your pound notes out with Isaac Newton on the back!
很抱歉 请稍等 我... I'm sorry about that. I was just... Let me...
我稍后再过来 I come back in a minute.
大家要不要"来被枪杀的" Can I offer you guys to be shot, or something?
-什么 -她的意思是免费"来杯酒啥的" - Sorry? - She means a free drink.
-好啊 谢谢 -这下你倒是精神了 - Oh, yes. Thank you. - Oh, that made his eyes light up, look.
-请问有柠檬甜酒吗 -什么 - Got any Limoncello? - Please?
是一种甜酒 It's a liqueur.
舔你的什么 抱歉 Lick your what? Sorry?
是一种酒 It's a drink.
好的 我去看一下 稍后回来 Um, I will check. I'll be back.
等着吧 待会她会拿了柠檬和大提琴过来 You wait, she'll come back with a lemon and a cello!
我这一周过得很痛苦 全是无聊的研讨会 I was dreading this week. One boring seminar after another.
要不是遇到阿奇 If I hadn't met Archie,
我大概得不停地应酬 或者回酒店看黄片 it would have been one long round of business lunches and hotel porn.
听上去也不错啊 Don't sound too bad!
是因为你们 出差才如此有趣 You guys, you made it bearable.
所以 这顿我来请吧 So, please, let me get this.
不 我来付 只是... No. I'm getting it, I'm just...
得了吧 凯文 我来 Leave it, Kevin! I'll get it!
你不能付 我跟你说过了 You're not getting it! I've told you!
别拿手指着我 马尔科姆 Don't point at me, Malcolm.
说真的 我来吧 没什么大不了的 Honestly, let me. It's no skin off my nose.
-我们都知道你很有钱 克雷格 -什么意思 - We all know you're really rich, Craig. - What's that supposed to mean?
就算他是比尔·盖茨又如何 I don't care if he's Bill Gates.
他来我们俱乐部打球 He played at our club,
作为俱乐部秘书 我来请客 I'm club sec, I'm paying for his meal.
终于露出真面目了 克雷格 And there it is in a nutshell, Craig.
你被收买了 鉴定完毕 You've been bought. Kerching.
你别来这套 Not this again.
抱歉 马尔科姆 我就来这套 Yeah, I'm afraid so, Malcolm. This again.
-你得了多少票 告诉他 -我不记得了 - How many votes was it? Tell him. - I don't remember.
17比5 他当选了俱乐部秘书 17-5 and he's club secretary.
我比他早进俱乐部五年 I'd been there five years before him.
别提这些老黄历了 阿奇 没必要 Don't dredge up old graves, Archie. It's unseemly.
-没有暗箱操作的 -那你投了谁 - There was no funny business. - Who did you vote for, then?
你不必告诉他 凯文 You don't have to tell him, Kevin.
-是无记名投票 -我看到了 凯文 - It was anonymous. - You were seen, Kevin,
连续两周 他每天请你去加芬克尔吃午餐 a Garfunkel's lunch every day for a fortnight.
-胡说 -你是跟踪了我们吗 - That's not true! - Were you spying on us?
我真是服了 如果你真这么想当 Bloody hell! If you're that desperate,
下次你竞选啊 我不当了 put your name up next time. I won't stand again.
别担心 我会的 Don't worry, I will!
如果这就是你的伟大追求 If that's all you've got to worry about,
我很为你开心 阿奇 你的生活一定很美好 I'm happy for you, Archie. You must have a very nice life.
别碰我 马尔科姆 你管我生活如何 Get off my back, Malcolm! You've got no idea about my life!
各位 别这样 Guys, don't.
不就几百块钱吗 真没什么的 It's just a couple of hundred quid. It's literally nothing.
是啊 没什么 百万富翁先生 Oh, it's nothing, is it, Mr. Monopoly?
阿奇 你这是怎么了 Archie, what's got into you?
再说了 有犯罪前科的人 Besides, the club would never have allowed somebody
肯定当不了俱乐部秘书的 with a criminal record to become club secretary.
谁在乎这个啊 Nobody cares about that!
我不过是钻了抵押合同条款里的一个空子 That was me utilising a clause in a mortgage contract!
-也可以称为诈骗 -你才是骗子 - Also known as fraud. - You're the fraud, pal!
所有选票都是你贿赂来的 You bought every single one of those votes!
就因为我请凯文吃了赛百味的长面包吗 Because I treated Kevin to a foot long from Subway?!
没错 他现在又在用这招了 克雷格你小心 Yes! And this is what he's doing now, Craig, so just be aware.
-放屁 -他先收买你 - Bull crap! - He's putting you in his pocket,
这样以后说不定用得到你 in case he needs you at a later date!
我就是想请大家吃顿饭 I'm offering to buy everyone's meal!
没错 因为你是个自私的混蛋 Yes, because you're a selfish prick!
他不是 阿奇 He isn't, Archie.
冷静点 Just calm down.
他不是 He isn't.
因为这顿饭我来请 Because I am paying for this meal.
没错 我住在伦敦 没错 我很有钱 Yes, I live in London! Yes, I'm very rich!
但这是我的特权 因为我是客人 对吧 But that is my prerogative, as your guest, all right?
久等了 几位的柠檬甜酒 Here we go. Some Limoncello for you,
请问是否决定了由哪位来买单呢 and have you decide yet who pay the bill?
刷我的卡吧 再刷25%算你的小费 Yeah, put it all on this. And put on 25% for yourself.
好了 各位 Right, gentlemen,
我很感谢大家今晚的陪伴 I'd like to thank you for your company this evening.
也谢谢你们陪我打羽毛球 And for a good game of badminton.
要是你们哪天去奇斯威克 And if any of you happen to find yourself in the Chiswick area,
千万记得别联系我 干杯 please don't hesitate to NOT ring me! Cheers!
干杯 Cheers.
我可不羡慕你要回伦敦了 克雷格 Don't envy you going back to London, Craig.
那里小偷那么多 All those pickpockets.
是啊 现在已今非昔比了 凯文 Yeah, well, it's not what it was, Kevin.
跟你们说实话 我很乐意翻篇前行 I mean, I'd be happy to move on, to be honest with you.
我迫切需要一点刺激 I crave a bit of excitement.
去年 我去加拿大爬山 Last year, I went climbing in Canada...
打扰一下 先生 您的卡用不了 Excuse me, sir. But your card is not welcome.
-什么 -被拒了 不行了 - What? - It is reject. Bad.
你能换张卡吗 Do you have perhaps other card?
没有 我没带 No, not on me.
我不明白 这张卡上至少还有250英镑 I don't understand. There's at least 250 in that account.
-就这么定了 我来付钱 -等一下 - That settles it, then. I'll pay. - Hang on, hang on.
我还有张运通卡在酒店 I've got an AMEX card back at the hotel.
我给保姆打个电话 让她把卡号告诉我 I'll phone the au pair and get her to give me the number.
-我不知道... -克雷格 别麻烦了 - I'm not sure... - Craig, there's no need.
安卢希卡 是我 你能去一下我的房间吗 Anoushka? Yeah, it's me. Can you go up to my room, please?
是的 很好 谢谢你 Yeah, it was very nice, thank you.
进我的房间 然后找到床头柜 Yeah, go into my room and go over to the bedside cabinet
拉开下面的第二个抽屉 and open the second drawer down.
不不不 不是顶层那个 No, no. Not the top one.
别打开顶层抽屉 Do not open the top one!
没错 第二个 Yeah, the second one.
好的 我的运通卡就在里面 Right. And in there is my AMEX card.
没错 金色那张 Yes, the gold one.
现在把正面的长串数字 Now, I need the long number on the front
和数字上面右上角的四位数字告诉我 and the four digits just above that in the right-hand corner.
数字 Digits.
数字 Digits!
这样吧 你直接把卡拿下来给我吧 I tell you what, why don't you just bring the card down to me?
-别了 -没事 没事 - No, no. - It's fine, it's fine.
不 他们自己待着没事的 No, they're fine. They'll be fine.
他们不是在睡觉吗 They're asleep, aren't they?
那就轻点出来 Well, just leave quietly!
既然你这么担心 就把插座都拔开 Well, if you're that worried, just unplug everything!
算了 克雷格 No, Craig! No!
别担心 巴伯希卡 没事 你别下来了 Don't worry, Baboushka! It's fine! You don't have to come.
听着 我很感激你想要买单 Look, I appreciate what you're trying to do,
但我的卡明明能用 but it's daft you putting your kids' lives
何必让你的孩子们身处危险 实在太傻了 in danger when I've got a good card right here.
-我们均摊吧 -不行 - We can split it. - No.
我来付账 就这么决定了 I'm getting this. No more arguments.
这事没什么可争的了 That is the absolute end of the matter.
既然这样 Well, under these circumstances,
谢谢你请的晚餐 I'd be very happy to accept your very kind offer.
-谢谢你 马尔科姆 -不客气 - Thank you, Malcolm. - Not a problem at all.
没错 谢谢你 Yes, thank you.
好吧 能再稍等下吗 美女 All right, fine. Will you just give us a minute, please, love?
我本不想这么做 This is not the way I wanted to do this.
但我有事要告诉你们 But I've... I've got something to tell you.
怎么 你有优惠卷吗 What? You've got a voucher?
不是 No.
不 我没有优惠卷 No, I've not got a voucher.
我患了脑瘤 I've got a brain tumour.
你在开玩笑吧 You're joking.
不 我没有 马尔科姆 我倒希望是玩笑 No, I'm not, Malcolm. And I wish I was.
没办法做手术 It's ...inoperable and
恐怕最多还能活三个月 I've got three months at best, I'm afraid.
阿奇 我很遗憾 Oh, Archie, I'm so sorry.
谢谢 凯文 Thanks, Kevin.
所以我才想付这顿饭钱 That is why I wanted to pay this meal.
抱歉 马尔科姆 我该早点告诉你的 Sorry, Malcolm. I should have told you sooner.
失陪下 各位 Will you excuse me?
听着 阿奇 Listen, Archie...
我们公司也有人得了类似的病 We had someone in my office who had something very similar.
我们带他去了瑞士 And we took him over to Switzerland.
-迪格尼塔士 -不对 是日内瓦 - Dignitas. - No, it was Geneva.
迪格尼塔士是瑞士一家合法的 协助绝症患者自杀的机构
我们给他找了当地最好的外科医生 We got him one of the top surgeons over there.
他得到了最好的治疗 He had the best possible treatment.
他活下来了吗 Did he survive?
没有 No.
但他有私人病房 52英寸等离子电视 But he had a private room, 52-inch plasma,
而且所有频道都有 and all the channels.
非常不错 It's a nice touch.
谢谢 克雷格 但我和苏西谈过了 Thanks, Craig, but I've talked it over with Susie and we want
为了孩子 我们想尽可能的像平常一样 to try and make it as normal as possible for the kids' sakes.
所以能不能赏脸 给我这个荣幸 So, if you could do me the honour, the very great honour,
让我来付账 of allowing me to pay that bill,
这也许是最后一次了 probably for the last time...
别这么说 阿奇 Don't say that, Archie.
只是以防万一 凯文 Just...in case, Kevin.
这对我来说真的很重要 It really would mean the world to me.
当然 阿奇 谢谢你 Or course, Archie. Thank you.
如果你愿意 我们可以付小费 If you want, we can pay the tip.
没关系 凯文 都让我来吧 It's fine, Kevin. I'll get all of it.
能和朋友们一起度过最后的时光 我很开心 It's just nice to spend what time I've got left amongst friends.
你这个满口谎言的混蛋 You lying fucking monster!
我给苏西发了短信 她根本不知道脑瘤的事 I've just texted Susie. She doesn't know anything about a tumour!
他在说谎 他是个骗子 He's lying! He's a liar!
真的吗 阿奇 Is this true, Archie?
我还没和她说 我想先告诉你们 I haven't told her yet. I wanted to tell you first.
你刚才说和她谈过了 You said you'd talked it over.
我真不敢相信你为了付一顿小餐的费用 I can't believe you'd pretend to be dying,
竟然假装自己要死了 just so you can pay for a tapas meal!
我不敢相信你竟然打电话来核对这事 I can't believe you'd ring up to check!
给将死之人的妻子发短信 来核实他的话 Texting a dying man's wife to confirm his story?!
可你不是将死之人 不是吗 You're not dying though, are you?
我受不了了 I can't take much more of this.
你怎么敢为了买单来欺骗我们 How dare you try and swindle your way into paying for this meal!
是你逼我的 马尔科姆 你这个控制狂 You've driven me to it, Malcolm! You're a control freak!
我为什么就不能得到大家的赞扬呢 Why can't I have a pat on the back?
被夸赞一次大好人阿奇就不行吗 Good old Archie, for a change?
你非得抢走每一次表现慷慨大方的机会 Swooping in and claiming every act of generosity!
你们都令人难以置信 You're both unbelievable!
你们两个都一样 简直是荒谬的行为 The pair of you! It's ridiculous behaviour!
非要摆谱 争抢好感 真是太可悲了 Strutting around, point scoring, I mean, it's pathetic!
你还咒自己的孩子被烧死 You're the one who was happy for his kids to be burnt to death,
-就为了炫耀一下金卡呢 -什么 - just so he could flash his gold card! - What?!
好了 账单在哪儿 我来付 好吗 Right, where's that bill? I am paying this! Right?
-绝对不行 -不 我就要付 - You're not! - Yes, I am!
我来付 I'm getting this!
-放开他 -我一定要付 - Let him go! - I'm getting this!
都给我住手 Stop this now!
再不住手我就报警了 Stop it or I call the police!
-抱歉 -店里已经没有其他人了 - Sorry. - There is no-one else here now.
我要打烊了 I need to close the restaurant.
我们经理说这顿饭可以"免谈" My manager says this meal can be at the home.
-她的意思是"免单"吗 -是的 拜托了 - She means on the house. - Yes. Please.
把账单给我 然后我们都可以回家了 Let me take the bill and we all go home.
不行 No!
我们一定要彻底解决这事 We're going to sort this, once and for all.
重点根本不在于这账单 It's not about the bill.
已经远远超越这个了 It's gone beyond that now.
听着 我们就不能四人均摊吗 Look, can't we just split it four ways?
我很乐意均摊酒钱 I'm happy to put in for the drink,
尽管我一滴都没喝 even though I never had any,
不过我倒是喝了一杯柠檬甜酒 although I did have that Limoncello.
提醒一下 那可是免费的 Mind you, that was free.
小姐 Miss?
你能把厨房里最锋利的刀给我提来吗 Will you bring us the sharpest knife in your kitchen, please?
不行 No!
这事已经解决了 不需要付账了 The matter is closed! There is no bill!
账单永远是存在的 There's always a bill!
必须有人来付 Somebody has to pay!
不要 No!
各位 不管你们在考虑做什么 Fellas, whatever you're thinking about doing,
我很可能都会投反对票 I would probably advise against it.
我相信肯定有其他选择的 I'm sure there must be an alternative.
他在干什么 阿奇 What is he doing, Archie?
我知道 I know.
捅刀赛 也叫手指劫 Stab Scotch. Also known as Pin Finger.
拼的是胆量 Nerve...
又叫扎指缝 Or Five Finger Fillet.
阿奇和我从上学那会儿就经常玩这个游戏 Archie and I have played this since school.
我们当年用的是圆规 We used a compass back then.
或者是2B铅笔的尖头 Or the sharp end of a 2B pencil.
规则很简单 The rules are very simple.
把刀在每个指缝间轮流插 来回十次 You pass the knife between each finger and back again ten times,
谁速度最快谁就赢 赢的人来付账 同意吗 阿奇 fastest time wins, winner pays the bill. Agreed, Archie?
如果你想这么做 没问题 If you wish, yes.
凯文 麻烦你来计时 Kevin, will you time this, please?
马尔科姆 等等 想想看你在干什么 Malcolm, wait! Think what you're doing!
我们马上就要参加唐卡斯特的郡半决赛了 We've got the county semis coming up in Doncaster.
你不会想这样弄伤自己的 You don't want to be butchering yourself like this!
我会没事的 我知道自己在干什么 I'll be fine. I know what I'm doing.
我觉得我不太想参与这游戏 I'm not sure I want to go through with this.
你不必参与 Well, you don't have to.
现在是我和马尔科姆间的对决了 It's between me and Malcolm now.
等你发令就开始 Tell me when.
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翻译 Eunice 我不是青椒
翻译 少年派
时间轴 想念Gallifrey的wholock 西·查
后期 加森 校对&总监 Ethan-泽生
抱歉 我在等着指针到达整点 Sorry. I'm just waiting for it to get to the top.
算了 我用我的手机来计时吧 Look, come here, I'll do it on my phone.
-我不能允许这种事 -那就别看 - I cannot allow this! - Don't watch, then!
好了 你准备好了吗 Right, are you ready?
三 二 Three, two,
一 one.
开始 Go.
一 One.
二 Two.
三 Three.
四 Four.
五 Five.
六 Six.
七 Seven.
八 Eight.
九 Nine.
完成 Done!
23秒 23 seconds.
很好 Very good.
不错 Not bad.
好样的 Well done.
不 这不公平 No, this isn't fair.
他患了脑瘤 可能会看到重影 He might have double vision because of his brain tumour.
他没有患肿瘤 记得吗 He hasn't got a tumour, remember?
对哦 那继续吧 Oh, yeah. No, carry on.
我很乐意马上付账 I'm happy to pay the bill now.
-我们就能回家了 -不用 谢了 马尔科姆 - And we can all go home. - No, thank you, Malcolm.
我可以的 I'm fine.
等你准备好就发令 克雷格 When you're ready, Craig.
三 Three,
二 two,
一 one.
开始 Go.
一 One.
二 Two.
三 Three.
四 Four.
-五 -多久了 - Five. - How long?
15秒了 15 seconds.
六 Six.
-七 -立刻停下 阿奇 你在流血了 - Seven. - Stop it now, Archie! You're bleeding!
-快让他停下 -停下 - Make him stop! - Stop it!
-你为什么要干这种事 -我什么都没干啊 - What did you do that for? - I didn't do anything!
不是他的错 纯属意外 It wasn't his fault. It was an accident.
快拿餐巾来 Get me some napkins!
快啊 Quick!
我们该怎么做 What shall we do?
要叫救护车吗 还是报警 到底该怎么办 Shall we call for an ambulance? The police? What?
我不知道 她还活着吗 I don't know. Is she alive?
只有微弱的气息了 她的气管被割开了 Only just. Her windpipe's been severed.
把刀给我 Give me that knife.
阿奇 我该怎么办 我要报警吗 Archie, what should I do? Shall I call the police?
把你的手机给我 Give me your phone.
我手机没多少话费了 I haven't got much credit left on it.
好吧 你用吧 Fine. Use it.
她死了 She's dead.
天啊 不要 Oh, God, no!
我们的说法一定要一致 明白吗 We've got to get our story straight, OK?
是阿奇干的 你只是想阻止他 It was Archie that did it and you were trying to stop him.
我的确是想阻止他 I was trying to stop him!
没错 到时候我们就这么说 Yeah, and that's what we'll say.
-我们要提到"捅屌赛"吗 -什么 - Do we mention the stab cock? - What?!
-那个游戏啊 "插鱼指" -不用 那完全不相关 - The game, the fish finger. - No! It's irrelevant.
我们就说我们当时在为谁付账的事争吵 We'll just say we were arguing about the bill.
突然间 他就拿起了刀 All of a sudden, he grabbed a knife,
反正他手上还有割伤的痕迹 he's got cuts on his hand anyway...
-没错 -好了 都已经解决好了 - Yes! - Right, it's been sorted.
我们只需要消失就行 这事自然会有人来解决的 Now, all we have to do is disappear and this will be dealt with.
-你什么意思 -你们知道得越少越好 - What do you mean? - The less you know about it, the better.
别让你们的妻子或女朋友看到你们 Don't let your wives and your girlfriends see you.
处理掉你们的衣服 洗干净 冲个澡 Get rid of your clothes. Get clean. Have showers.
再把浴室也刷洗感觉 Clean your showers.
听上去你像是经常干这种事啊 Sounds like you do this on a weekly basis.
在监狱待过 肯定认识一些人 You don't spend time in prison without making contacts.
一些在你身后罩着你的人 People who'll watch your back.
你是指在你身后干你屁眼吗 What, when they're trying to bum you?
好吧 那我去取消 我们直接报警吧 Fine, I'll cancel it, then. We'll call the police instead!
各位 我不能出现在这里 Guys, look, I can't be here.
这本该只是跟羽毛球球友吃的一顿小餐 This was supposed to be a tapas meal with the badminton people.
我明天就需要回到伦敦 I need to be back in London tomorrow.
这个女孩怎么办 肯定会有人察觉到她不见了 What about the girl? Surely, she'll be missed.
你也听到她之前说的了 她才来这里工作 You heard what she said. She's only just come here.
她很可能只是非法劳工而已 She's probably illegal anyway.
这是我们必须冒的一个风险 It's a risk we'll have to take!
马尔科姆 Malcolm?
照做 Do it.
好了 但在走之前 我们要把钱的事解决一下 Right, before we go, we need to sort out the money.
你想付就付吧 阿奇 我现在不介意了 You can pay it, Archie! I'm not bothered now!
我不是在说账单的问题 我是指这个 I'm not talking about the bill! I mean this!
清理工作 那可不是免费的 The clean up! It's not a free service, you know?
我又没有优惠券什么的 I've not got a couple of coupons!
他想要多少钱 How much does he want?
-200 -收费真合理啊 - 200. - Oh, that's actually very reasonable.
再乘以1000 Thousand.
-我没那么多钱 -没关系 - I haven't got that. - It's all right.
我们四人均摊 We'll split it four ways.
-怎么 每人5万块吗 -是的 - What? 50 grand each? - Yeah.
跟零钱宝的存钱方式一样 Like a diddlum.
我明天一早就把钱汇过来 I can get it wired tomorrow morning, first thing.
必须是现金 并且他今晚就要 Has to be cash and he wants it tonight.
那也太不现实了 都11:30了 That's just unrealistic! It's half 11!
阿奇 有个问题 Archie, one question.
我根本连碰都没碰那把刀 It's just that I didn't actually touch the knife,
-所以严格来说 我应该少出点钱 -又来了 - so technically, I think I probably owe less. - Oh, here we go!
-我只是说我应该... -闭嘴 凯文 - I'm just saying that my... - Shut up, Kevin!
-我们要均摊 -你这么快就改变说法了啊 - We're all paying the same! - Oh, you've changed your tune!
你之前还说要一个人付那个账单呢 You were going to pay the whole bill a minute ago!
没错 但那只是200英镑 不是20万 Yeah, when it was 200 quid, not 200 grand!
别吵了 快没时间了 Stop it! We're running out of time!
问题是 我根本没有那么多钱 It's just that I haven't got that kind of money!
我有 I have!
安卢希卡 Anoushka.
又是我 我要你再去一趟我的房间 It's me again. Right, I want you to go back into my room.
打开右手边的衣柜 不 不是左边的 Go into the right-hand wardrobe. No, not the left one!
千万别打开左边的 Do NOT go in the left!
在里面 你会看到一个灰色的保险箱 Right, inside, you'll see a grey safe.
我需要你帮忙打开 I need you to open it.
密码是6... The number is six..
真好 她还活着 Good... She's still alive.
但我们还是需要钱来清理这烂摊子 对吧 But we'll still need the money to clean everything up, won't we?
算了吧 都结束了 Forget it. It's over.
她演砸了 She's blown it.
他踩到我的手了 He stood on my hand!
-别怪我啊 -就差一点了 - Don't blame me! - So close!
如果你把嘴闭紧点 我们就搞定他了 We'd have had him if you'd have kept your mouth shut!
安卢希卡 我等下再打给你 这是怎么回事 Anoushka... I'll call you back. What's going on?
我以为这已经很明显了呢 I'd have thought that was obvious.
你右手边的衣柜里真的有20万吗 Have you really got 200 grand in your right-hand side wardrobe?
别管那个了 我想知道的是左手边的衣柜里有什么 Never mind that. I want to know what's in the left-hand side.
阿奇 这是怎么回事 Archie? What is this?
是个大失败 It's a washout.
-我就说这计划太复杂了吧 -本来进行得挺好的 - I told you it was too elaborate. - It was going fine.
只是地理站位出了问题 他踩到她的手了 It was just geography. He stood on her hand.
不好意思 教授 I'm sorry, Prof.
但她那个口音也太夸张了 But she's going way over the top with that accent!
简直失去可信度了 It's barely believable now.
-大家要不要"来被枪杀的" -滚吧 杰瑞 - "Can I offer you guys to be shot?" - Oh, piss off, Jerry!
你做不到 而且你还提到了苏西 You couldn't do it! And you were the one who mentioned Susie!
不准提名字 还记得吗 No names, remember?
-这一切都是圈套吗 -这餐厅是真的 - All this was a set up? - Well, the restaurant's real.
我们付钱给经理 让他今晚休假了 We just had to pay the manager to take the night off.
而且他们提价了 现在要1500英镑 And they put their prices up. They want 1,500 now.
人性贪婪啊 People are such greedy bastards.
你们竟然设计坑我 我以为我们是朋友呢 You've been scamming me. I thought we were friends.
就当是假日兄弟情吧 并且你真的很有钱 Well, see it as a holiday bromance. And you are very rich.
我都不知道该说什么了 I don't know what to say.
-彻底无语了 -要是她刚刚也无语就好了 - Speechless. - Well, I wish she was!
他踩到我的手指了 He crushed my fingers!
-那我的手指就不疼吗 -好了 够了 - What about my fucking fingers? - All right! That's enough!
-别吵了 -抱歉 教授 - Stop squabbling and abort. - Sorry, Prof.
凯伦 Karen?
去清理一下身上吧 Go and clean yourself up.
恐怕你得把那个手机给我们 I'm afraid you're going to have to give us that phone.
什么 为什么 You what? Why?
我们总不能让你去报警 不是吗 Well, we can't have you going to the police, can we?
你们刚刚想坑骗我20万呢 You just tried to rob me of 200 grand!
至少你免费吃了一餐饭啊 You got a free meal out of it.
交过来 Hand it over.
不好意思 Sorry...
办不到 No.
我是不会交的 I'm not going to do that.
好吧 看来现在有点问题了 不是吗 All right. Well, we've got a bit of problem, haven't we?
营业
停业
话说 我们当年一起在灵菲尔德上学 89年对吧 Anyway, we were at Lingfield... '89, was it?
不 比那个更晚 No, it was later than that.
是戴安娜王妃去世后的事 It was after Diana had died.
-这事跟她有什么关系 -我就这么记的 - What's she got to do with it? - I just remember.
好吧 99年 行了吧 All right. Well, '99, whatever.
这位大教授算出 And the Professor here had worked out
如果我们把累积赌注押到七场比赛 就能赢得... if we put this accumulator on seven races, we could have won...
-多少来着 杰克 -50万 - How much was it, Jack? - Half a million.
-50万 -不是正好50万 是46万9千 - Half a million. - Well, it wasn't half a million. It was 469,000.
打扰下 麻烦买单 Excuse me. Can we get the bill, please?
好的 先生 Certainly, sir.
马上就来 I won't be a second.