9号秘事 第四季 第2集
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伯尼·克利夫顿的化妆室
翻译 杏仁斯嘉丽 青椒 三通
翻译 Eunice 阿夏 苏小黛
时间轴 想念Gallifrey的wholock 西·查
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我之前还在想你会不会来呢 I wondered if you were going to turn up.
抱歉 汤米 Sorry, Tommy.
你知道我向来都不准时的 You know what I'm like with time.
总要等到"指针指向左雀斑过后半小时" It's always half past my left freckle.
那些都是什么 What's all this?
我就是找了些杂七杂八的东西 I just wanted to get a few extra bits and pieces.
我想着 如果有好玩的道具 I thought, if we had some funny props,
可能会刺激灵感 that it might inspire us.
就像以前那样 You know, like we used to, back in the day.
新奇的玩意儿之类的 Novelty items and whatnot.
回来演出真是个糟糕的主意 This was such a bad idea.
我不得不扔掉了好多旧道具 It's just, I had to get rid of a lot of the old props.
我其实留了好多年 I kept them for years,
芝士和饼干
都装在箱子里 放在我妈家的小卧室里 all boxed up in my mother's back bedroom,
但她去世后 我就只能把它们装进旧废料桶扔掉 but then she passed and I had to chuck them all in an old skip.
不过 这可以编成笑点 对吧 Hey, that could be a bit, couldn't it?
旧废料桶怎么处理 What do people do with their old skips?
要把它扔到哪 Where do they dump them?
抱歉 我在胡言乱语 Sorry. Sorry, I'm babbling.
见到你真好 汤米 It's good to see you, Tommy.
大家现在都叫我汤玛斯 People call me Thomas now.
已经30年没人叫我汤米了 I haven't been Tommy for 30 years.
你看上去混得很好 Well, you look well.
我们怎么来 拥抱 握手还是行碰鼻礼 What do we do? Do we hug, shake hands, rub noses?
直接排戏吧 我时间不多 Let's just get on with it, shall we? I haven't got long.
好吧 你想先干什么 OK. What do you want to do first?
要不要先彩排面试那段小品 Shall we try the interview sketch?
「慢慢"进入"状态」 "Ease ourselves in gently,"
就像娈童主教对唱诗班男童说的那样 as the bishop said to the choirboy?
你想那样就那样吧 If you wish, yes.
希望我都还记得 我应该能行 I hope I remember it all. I think I have it.
我经常听那些磁带 I listen to the albums from time to time.
我还保存着当年上过的电视节目的录像带 I still have VHSs of all the telly stuff,
但播放不出来了 but I can't play 'em.
想发行演出DVD的那帮人 Did you ever hear anything back from those lads
跟你说过最新的进展吗 who wanted to bring out a DVD?
-没有 准备好了吗 -稍等下 - No. Are you ready? - One sec.
-别那么看着观众 -什么意思 - And no looking out at the audience. - What do you mean?
你知道我什么意思 你总那么干 You know what I mean. You always used to do it.
对前排观众做鬼脸 Mugging to the front row.
-不 我没有 -你就有 - No, I never. - You did!
尤其是我抖包袱的时候 Especially if I had a funny line.
你会朝台下看 好像是你逗他们笑的 别那么干 You'd look out and take it, as if you'd earned the laugh. Don't.
-那让我很来气 -我没那么干过吧 - Pisses me off. - I don't think I do that.
好吧 下次你再这么干的时候 Right, well, next time you do it,
-我就打响指 到时自会见分晓 行吗 -好吧 - I'll click my fingers and you'll see, all right? - OK, fine.
-我也很高兴见到你 -开演 - Good to see you, too. - Start.
抱歉 Sorry.
请进 Come in.
你好 我来面试 Hello. I'm here for the interview.
好 你想坐下吗[你想拿把椅子吗] Ah, yes. Would you like to take a seat?
不用了 我家里有好几把 Nah, you're all right. I've got some at home.
不 我是说你想不想坐下 No, no, I mean would you like to sit down?
好的 谢谢 Oh, yes. Thank you.
找来这里不费劲吧 So, you found us all right?
很顺利 你们的地图非常详细 Yes. Your map was extremely comprehensive.
就像你的教育经历一样广泛 Like your education, I see.
行了 你不用每次都打响指 All right, you don't have to do it every time.
我非要 这是我的包袱 I do. My laugh.
容我自我介绍一下 我姓科克[苏格兰长老会] So, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Mr Kirk.
科克先生 这是苏格兰姓吧 大兄弟 Och, Mr Kirk. Is that a wee Scots name, Jimmy?
不 应该不是 No, I don't think so.
其实 我父亲生于爱尔兰 As a matter of fact, my father was born in Ireland.
翡翠之岛 小精灵和健力士黑啤酒的故乡 The Emerald Isle. They've got leprechauns and Guinness,
当然 当然 to be sure, to be sure.
我们公司总部在利兹 So, the company is based in Leeds...
兄弟 我的老天爷啊 Nay, lad! Ee, bah gum and ecky thump!
-亲密合作伙伴是... -哈利·拉姆斯登快餐 - ..Working closely with... - Harry Ramsden's!
全约克郡最好吃的薯条 Best chips in th'all of Yorkshire.
索尼公司 The Sony Corporation...
即「头生子」 出自华人侦探角色陈查理
业界领头羊 Ah, so, number one son.
出口到印度 Exporting to India...
老天爷啊 先生 一万个对不起 Cor blimey, mister! 10,000 apologies.
-经由白金汉 -哎呀 - ..Via Buckingham. - Oh, I say!
-实在是太时髦了 -在莫斯科有个办事处 - How terribly, terribly posh. - We have an office in Moscow...
伏特加 同志 Vodka, comrade!
-伦敦有个分部 -那敢情好 - A branch in London... - Lovely jubbly.
我们将要进军马达加斯加 ..And we're expanding into Madagascar.
是吗 真有趣 Really? How interesting.
你专心一点好不好 Look, would you concentrate, please?
我要招的是能胜任这一职位的正经求职者 I'm looking for a serious candidate to fill this position.
-我上过大学 -是吗 哪所 - Well, I did go to university. - Really? Where did you study?
-剑桥 -你什么时候能开始上班 - Cambridge. - When can you start?
成了 很成功 Boom! It's a belter, that.
宝刀未老 对不对 Still works, doesn't it?
结尾这部分要改掉 You won't be able to do any of that ending.
什么意思 What do you mean?
-不能模仿中国人和亚洲人了 -为什么 - Can't do Chinese and Asian voices any more. - Why?
因为 莱恩 现在这算种族歧视 Because, Len, it is what is known as racist.
得了吧 Oh, give over!
-这才是笑点所在啊 -笑点是什么 - That's the joke. - What's the joke?
说到底 你希望人们因什么而发笑 What are you inviting people to laugh at, exactly?
就是一个人在模仿各种傻兮兮的口音 Just...A man doing all daft voices.
我们第一季就是这么演的 We did it in our first series.
我们只出了一季 记得吗 We only had one series, remember?
是没错 但还是上电视了 Yeah, but still, it's been on telly.
也没人投诉 Nobody complained.
情况不一样了 今时不同往日 Well, things have changed. That was then.
好吧 那《我的天啊》呢[印度喜剧] All right, what about Goodness Gracious Me?
主演都是亚洲人 莱恩 They were all Asian, Len.
这就像杰克·梅森讲关于犹太人的笑话 It's like Jackie Mason telling Jew jokes
或者理查德·普赖尔玩黑人梗 or Richard Pryor doing black material.
你只能开自己品种的玩笑 You're only allowed to take the piss out of your own tribe.
我觉得你不能用"品种"这个词 汤米 I don't think you should be calling them a tribe, Tommy.
那才叫种族歧视 That IS racialist.
总之 这个小品演不了 明白吗 Look, we can't do this sketch, all right?
-那《中国佬》也做不了吗 -不行 - So, can we not do Ching Chong Chinaman? - No.
其实 我觉得我们根本不该再表演 In fact, I don't think we should be doing this at all.
我不该来的 我走了 I've made a mistake. I'm going.
别啊 汤米 不要走 Oh, no. Tommy, please don't go.
我们30年没见了 I haven't seen you in 30 years.
好歹试一试吧 Let's at least give it a chance.
♪若真要哭♪ ♪If you're going to cry♪
♪也请喜极而泣♪ ♪Cry tears of laughter♪
♪笑颜总比蹙眉易♪ ♪A smile takes much less effort than a frown.♪
汤米 我刚把拼图拼完了 Hey, Tommy, I've just finished my jigsaw!
是吗 难不难 Oh, was it difficult?
盒子上说需要3到5年[供3到5岁孩童玩] Well, it said three to five years on the box.
我只花了6个月 Only took me six months.
-你知道我现在住在法国吗 -知道 - You know I live in France now? - Yeah.
我们家莉安说在《标准报》上看到你了 Our Leanne said she'd read a piece about you in the Standard.
-你是做电脑的 对不对 -那叫电子商务 - You do computers, don't you? - Digital marketing.
我开了家公司 叫愤怒的番茄 Got my own company, Angry Tomato.
全球有15处工作室 15 offices worldwide.
手下有100名员工 100 people working under me.
难道你不心"痒"吗 Does it not tickle?
我已经放下了 莱恩 I've moved on, Len.
芝士和饼干
跟芝士和饼干有关的所有事... All this Cheese & Crackers stuff...
你知道我请人删了Youtube网上的视频吧 You know I employ someone to take down those YouTube clips?
-不是吧 -当然要删 - No! - Course I do.
总不能我去跟汇丰银行的人开会 I can't afford to go into a meeting with the HSBC
结果有人认出我是蒂娜·特纳 and someone's found me as Tina Turner
紧身衣套在头上 用乒乓球来假装眼睛吧 with tights on my head and ping-pong balls for eyes.
Youtube是个很好的平台 曝光量很大 It's good publicity, that YouTube, you know.
我的侄子们总给我看 上边什么都有 My nephews are showing me. You can get everything on it.
我知道 莱恩 但对我来说是耻辱 I know you can, Len, and it's an embarrassment to me.
我懂了 I see.
你要喝茶吗 Do you want a cup of tea?
你有辣薄荷吗 Is there any peppermint?
算了吧 我喝奶茶就行 Oh, forget it. I'll just have builder's.
你家莉安长成可爱的大姑娘了 Your Leanne's grown up into a lovely young girl.
是吧 真是个小美女 Oh, hasn't she? A right bobby-dazzler.
她给我写信 让我表演这个的时候... When she wrote to me and asked me about doing this gig, I was...
你应该可以猜到 我没什么兴趣 Well, you won't be surprised to learn I was unenthusiastic,
这么说算轻的了 to say the least.
我知道 汤米 抱歉 汤玛斯 I know, Tommy. Sorry. Thomas.
记不记得莫克姆和怀斯接受采访时被问到 You remember that Morecambe and Wise interview when they were asked,
"如果没当喜剧明星 你们会是什么" "What would you have been if you hadn't been comedians?"
艾瑞克说"麦克和伯尼" And Eric said, "Mike and Bernie Winters"?
麦克和伯尼 也是著名的喜剧搭档
是啊 那句很搞笑 Yeah. Funny line.
我们连麦克和伯尼都算不上 Well, we weren't even Mike and Bernie Winters.
我们没他们那么有才 We weren't that good.
-不 我不接受 汤米 -是真的 - No, I'm not having that, Tommy. - It's true.
我们八十年代中期出道 综艺的没落时期 We came up in the mid-'80s, arse end of variety.
恰好走运在安格利亚电视台出了一季短剧 Got lucky with one series on Anglia Television.
不止这个 我们还做了很多现场表演 It was more than that. What about all the live stuff?
在《利兹市综艺秀》表演了十个晚上 Ten nights at Leeds City Varieties.
跟米克·米勒上了《顶级精英》 Top of the bill with Mick Miller,
还有鲍比·诺特和格朗博大麻乐队 Bobby Knutt and The Grumbleweeds,
那已经非常了不起了 you can't get better than that.
但他们也不是很红吧 莱恩 It's hardly the Rat Pack, is it, Len?
那你为什么来这里 So, why have you come, then?
我怎么能不来 How could I not?
再说了 你还欠我25英镑 Plus, you still owe me 25 quid.
为什么 What for?
伯尼·克利夫顿的化妆室 Bernie Clifton's dressing room.
瞧吧 你刚证明了你不需要我 Well, there you go. You've just proved you don't need me.
-你一个人就很搞笑 -我当然需要你 - You're funny on your own. - Of course I need you!
芝士和饼干 绝佳搭档 不可分割 You can't have Crackers without the Cheese.
那倒是又提醒了我 That's another thing.
我一直都很讨厌这愚蠢的艺名 I hate that stupid name. I always did.
但芝士和洋葱已经被别人注册了 我告诉过你了 But someone had already registered Cheese & Onion. I told you!
为什么必须是芝士和其它东西 太幼稚了 Why did it have to be Cheese and anything? It's so babyish.
-而且并不好笑 -我觉得挺好笑 - And it's not funny. - Well, I think it's funny.
那太宽泛了 喜剧的第一要义是要具化 It's too generic. First rule of comedy - be specific.
你不能说饼干 要说酸栗果酱夹心饼干 You never say biscuit. You say Garibaldi.
好吧 喜剧大师 All right, Ted Bovis!
如果我们要做 我是说如果 我要用真实姓名 If we do this - if - I want us to use our real names.
-那没人会知道我们是谁了 -就是这样 - But then no-one'll know who we are. - Correct.
好吧 行 All right, fine.
既然如此 我会告诉我家莉安 I'll tell our Leanne to have us
海报上就写我们是「谢尔比和德瑞克」 billed as Shelby & Drake if that's what you want.
为什么是谢尔比和德瑞克 而不是德瑞克和谢尔比 Why Shelby & Drake? Why not Drake & Shelby?
我也不知道 就觉得听起来顺耳些 音调更顺畅 I don't know. It just sounds better. It's the music of it.
-德瑞克和谢尔比是往下降调的 -什么 - Drake & Shelby goes down. - What?
谢尔比和德瑞克 升升升 Shelby & Drake! Da-da-da-da!
德瑞克和谢尔比 降降降 Drake & Shelby. Da-da-da-da.
你看 是往下降的 You see? It goes down.
你这么说当然往下降 你也可以说成... Only if you do it like that. You could do...
德瑞克和谢尔比 升升升 Drake & Shelby! Da-da-da-da!
好吧 也行 All right, fine.
这不重要 怎么说都行 It's not a bother. Either way works.
我只是很开心我们又要演出了 I'm just glad we're doing it again.
只不过我得告诉《英国达人秀》的调查员 Though I will have to tell that researcher on Britain's Got Talent
-因为如果我们换了名字... -什么 - cos if we change the name... - What?
没什么 我就是递交了申请表而已 Oh, it's nothing. I just put in an application form.
-参加《英国达人秀》 -没错 - For Britain's Got Talent? - Yeah.
现在综艺节目又流行起来了 It's all back now - you know, variety.
-收视率非常高 -我真不敢相信... - Massive viewing figures. - I can't believe...
你是哪根筋坏了 竟觉得我会跟你一起 On what planet did you think I would humiliate myself
参加那种节目 让自己蒙羞 by appearing on that programme...with you?
当初《该死的空格》来邀约时 Well, I don't remember you being so fussy
你怎么没这么挑剔 when Blankety Blank came knocking.
-我跟你说了 他们不让我们两个都上 -是吗 - I told you, they wouldn't have us both on. - Oh, really?
是的 我争取了 但他们换成罗林·查斯了 Yes, I tried, but they went with Lorraine Chase instead.
不然我肯定能在底部中间的位子上大放光彩 I'd have killed in that bottom middle seat.
那是个好位置 所有顶级喜剧人都坐那儿 That was the place to be. All the great clowns sat there -
-有埃弗雷特 斯塔尔 朵蒂 -那不是重点 - Everett, Starr, Doddy. - That is not the point.
我同意回来 为受邀观众做最后一场演出 I agreed to come back and do one last gig to an invited audience,
是因为你女儿写信告诉我... and I only said yes because your daughter wrote and told me that...
什么 What?
你过去这几年过得很潦倒 That things haven't been great for you the last few years.
你什么意思 她对你说了什么 What do you mean? What did she tell you?
-算了 -别 说啊 我想知道她说了什么 - Never mind. - No, go on. I want to know what she said.
芝士和饼干绝不会上《英国达人秀》 Cheese & Crackers are not doing Britain's Got Talent.
好吧 Ok.
但德瑞克和谢尔比可能会上 是不是 But Drake & Shelby might, yeah?
来排练那个关于通气孔的小品吧 Let's rehearse the vent sketch.
你没走吧 You haven't gone, have you?
没有 我还在这里 No. I'm still here.
我提不动你 我患了食管裂孔疝 I won't be able to lift you out. I've got this hiatus hernia.
当然 反正我的膝盖也不行了 Oh, sure. My knees are gone anyway.
我们会想出办法的 We'll figure it out.
好了 Right.
孩子们 这是文森特 So, boys and girls, this is Vincent.
-打个招呼吧[说你好] 文森特 -你好 文森特 - Say hello, Vincent. - Hello, Vincent.
你的第一印象[模仿]是什么 What are your first impressions?
抱歉 我不做模仿 Sorry, I don't do impressions.
不 我是说你希望从这所学校得到什么 No, no, I mean what do you hope to get out of this school?
偷走所有电视和录像机 All the TVs and video recorders!
好吧 这个地方 汤米 Yeah, I thought, there, Tommy,
我觉得可以与时俱进一下 改成电脑 we could update it and say computers instead.
行吧 随便你 Yeah, whatever.
文森特 接下来做个快速测试 OK, Vincent, so, we'll give you a quick test.
你的语法[音似奶奶]怎么样 How's your grammar?
她很好 谢谢 你奶奶呢 She's very well, thank you. How's yours?
不 我是说你的英文语法 No, no, I mean your English grammar.
你会把冒号[结肠]放在哪儿 Where would you put a colon?
你屁股里 Up your bum!
-怎么了 -没事 继续吧 - What? - Nothing. Carry on.
那我们来测测数学 So, let's move onto maths.
如果农夫有12头牛和18只鸡 If a farmer has 12 cows and 18 chickens,
他损失了一半 他还剩什么[他得了什么病] and he loses half of them, what has he got?
口蹄疫 Foot-and-mouth disease.
-历史题 《大宪章》在哪里签订[签名]的 -在底部 - History. Where was the Magna Carta signed? - At the bottom!
地理题 安第斯山脉在哪儿 Geography. Where are the Andes?
「音似」-手在哪里? -在手臂的末端
在你手臂末端 At the end of your armies!
天啊 我们不能表演这个 莱恩 Jesus Christ! We can't do this, Len.
-别停下 继续啊 -我做不到 我受不了了 - No, no, carry on. - I can't. I can't bear it.
怎么了 What's wrong?
你觉得朋克摇滚可能过时了吗 Do you think punk rockers might be dated now?
当然了 在1984年就过时了 Of course they are! They were dated in 1984!
这在《强手杰克》上搞得现场一片沉默 你还记得吗 This played to silence on Crackerjack, if you remember.
珍妮特·克兰奇都不直视我们 Janette Krankie wouldn't look us in the eye.
那是因为她只有1.2米高 That's cos she's only 4ft.
不 是因为这个小品很烂 我们需要更好的剧本 No, it's because it's poor. We need better material.
当时就需要 现在更需要 We needed it then. We certainly need it now.
那就做最后一个 喝东西那个 Just do the last bit - the drink bit.
你瞧 You see?
这个结尾太好笑了 汤米 It's a cracking ending, Tommy.
但到时得确保第一排观众坐得够近 Though we'll have to make sure the front row are close enough.
我想把水都喷他们脸上 I want to get them all with that spit take.
-得了吧 这招太下作了 莱恩 -你少来了 - Ooh, yeah, that's a cheap laugh, Len. - Oh, come on.
不管你怎么说 好笑就是好笑 A laugh's a laugh however you word it.
对你来说 或许吧 Yeah, for you, maybe.
你知道你问题出在哪吗 You know what your problem is?
你失去了激情的火花 You've lost your sparkle.
没错 你内心不再有快乐了 Yeah. You've got no joy in you any more.
你就像鲨鱼一样 眼神冷漠空洞 You're like a shark. You've got dead, black eyes.
你一直做的这些大企业的工作 All this corporate stuff you've been doing,
愤怒的菠萝公司 把你的生命力全吸走了 this Angry Pineapple, it's sucked the life out of you.
-是番茄 -什么 - Tomato. - What?
是"愤怒的番茄" It's Angry Tomato.
我变得不好笑了 真是抱歉 And I'm sorry I'm no fun any more,
但我现在跟以前不一样了 but I'm a different person now.
你当年也不好笑 你一直都是这副苦逼样 You were no fun then. You've always been miserable.
这就是为什么表演总是冷场 观众能感觉得到 That's why it all dried up for us. People could sense it.
是你扼杀了"芝士和饼干" 汤米 You killed Cheese & Crackers, Tommy.
抱歉 但我一定要说出来 I'm sorry, but it has to be said.
你不是一直都这样的 You weren't always like this.
还记得我们刚开始表演的那段日子吗 Remember when we first started out, back in the day?
我们会为每件小事喜极而泣 We used to cry with laughter at every little thing.
快乐逐渐消失了 不是吗 Yeah, well, the joke worn thin, didn't it?
-我去抽根烟 你要不要... -不了 - I'm going for a ciggie. Do you...? - No.
我20年前就戒烟了 你也应该戒掉 I stopped 20 years ago. So should you.
收件人 汤玛斯·德瑞克 地址 法国
-看起来快要下雨了 -到底怎么回事 莱恩 - Looks like it's going to rain. - What's going on, Len?
-这都是什么 -没什么 只是...道具而已 - What's all this? - Nothing. They're just...props.
我说了就是想演一次玩玩 I thought we could have a play, like I said.
你想用这些来演什么呢 What were you thinking for these?
《理发师陶德》拉肚子吗 Sweeney Todd gets diarrhoea?
不 不过这点子不错 No, but it's a good thought.
-就叫《理发"屎"陶德》吧 开演 -莱恩 莱恩 - Call it Sweeney Turd, boom, we're off. - Len. Len.
你是不是... Are you...?
不敢相信我会这么说 你是不是无家可归了 I can't believe I'm saying this. You're homeless, aren't you?
我家莉安生小孩了 Well, our Leanne's got the baby now,
我得来这里做旁白工作 and I have to be down here for voice-over work.
你上一次配旁白是什么时候 When did you last do voice-over?
老实说 挺久了 It was a while back, I grant you.
好像是为"都铎"牌薯片配音吧 I think it was for Tudor Crisps.
你为什么不告诉我 Why didn't you tell me?
我不想让你忌妒我 I didn't want you to be jealous.
我不是指薯片广告 Not about the crisps.
是指无家可归这件事 怎么发生的 About being homeless. How has that happened?
不知道 不知不觉就发生了 Don't know. It just sort of crept up on me.
有几期贷款没交 Missed a few payments.
接下来 门上出现一张告示 Next thing I know, there's a sign on the door,
所有锁都被换了 all the locks have changed.
我只有15分钟时间收拾东西 I had 15 minutes to grab what I could.
-那你现在住在哪里 -居无定所 - So, where are you actually staying now? - Here and there.
在莉安家偶尔住几晚 Few nights at Leanne's.
以及我发现的另外一两处地点 One or two other spots I've found.
真希望你早点告诉我 我可以帮你的 I wish you'd told me sooner. I could have helped you.
我不想要你的钱 汤米 从没想过 I don't want your money, Tommy. I never did.
我只希望你出现在我身边 I just want you by my side.
最后一次作为"芝士和饼干"组合表演 One last serving of Cheese & Crackers.
好吧 All right.
接下来你想做什么呢 What do you want to do next?
我想着我们可以试试"有个人去割草" Well, I thought we could have a go at One Man Went To Mow.
就是有一连串快速名人模仿那个 You know, with all the quickfire impressions.
-但我们现在演不了了 -练习过就可以 - But we can't do it now. - Well, we could if we practised.
不是 是因为那些名人都成儿童性侵犯了 No, we can't do it cos they're all Yewtree.
不会吧 They're not, are they?
天呐 还真是 Oh, God, you're right!
-他不是性侵犯吧 -还不是 但迟早会查出来的 - He's not Yewtree, is he? - Not yet, but he will be.
我们还是能模仿那些卡通角色的 We could still do all the cartoon ones.
以下皆为70年代的卡通
噢 噢 皮弗利先生 皮弗利先生 Ooh! Ooh! Mr Peevly! Mr Peevly!
-你觉得人们还记得《三只毛熊》吗 -当然 - Do you think people still remember the Hair Bear Bunch? - Yes!
大家都很爱追忆70年代的事物 People love remembering things that happened in the '70s.
这群人可不会 This lot don't.
-我上一次演哑剧时 -那是1992年的事了 继续说 - When I last did panto... - In 1992. Carry on.
我上一次演哑剧时 把那些全模仿了个遍 When I last did panto, I did them all
《香港阿福》 《卑鄙的迪克》 《玛丽 蒙戈和米治》 Hong Kong Phooey, Dick Dastardly, Mary, Mungo And Midge.
你怎么模仿《玛丽 蒙戈和米治》的 What did you do for Mary, Mungo And Midge?
我就看着电梯一层层下来 I just watched the lift go down.
那一晚观众一定笑声不断吧 Well, that must have been a fun evening.
丑女孩唱独角戏当然不容易 Well, it wasn't easy being one ugly sister.
好吧 但我们不是应该想一些 All right, but shouldn't we be thinking of
更现代的内容吗 something more contemporary?
-谁能引你发笑 -什么 - Who makes you laugh? - Eh?
最近有什么节目让你觉得好笑 What current stuff do you watch that makes you laugh?
我一直挺欣赏乔·帕斯夸里那个小伙子 I've always admired that young lad Joe Pasquale.
他都56岁了 He's 56!
他跟卡加勾勾乐队差不多一个时代的 He's about as current as Kajagoogoo.
但他有幽默感 是个很棒的道具喜剧演员 Funny bones, though. And he's a brilliant prop comic.
但如果你仍然想在这行混得好 But if you still want to make it in this game,
就得遵守现在的游戏规则 you've got to follow what the rules are now.
就像我现在的生意 我会考察当下的趋势 With my business head on, I'd be looking at current trends,
市场的空缺 gaps in the market.
-我们的喜剧样式在当下都过时了 -这是传统喜剧 - At the moment, we're an outdated model. - It's heritage comedy.
我们做的是充满魔力的事 It's magic, what we do.
-才不是生意 -这就是生意 莱恩 - It's not a business. - It is a business, Len.
娱乐生意 Show business.
那正是你没理解到位的地方 就因为这样... And that's what you failed to grasp, and that's why...
怎么 What?
-没什么 -不 告诉我 - Nothing. - No, tell me.
显然这话你憋了30年了 It's obviously been on your mind for 30 years.
好吧 伯尼·克利夫顿的化妆室 All right. Bernie Clifton's dressing room.
伯尼·克利夫顿的化妆室怎么啦 What about Bernie Clifton's dressing room?
-你不记得了吗 -不记得 - You don't remember? - No.
那就是我想说的 And that is my point.
我们来排练《棕瓶》吧 Let's do Brown Bottles.
棕瓶
♪10个棕瓶立墙上♪ ♪Ten brown bottles sitting on the wall♪
♪若是1个棕瓶掉下墙♪ ♪And if one brown bottle should accidentally fall♪
♪就剩9个棕瓶立墙上♪ ♪There'll be nine brown bottles sitting on the wall♪
♪9个棕瓶立墙上♪ ♪Nine brown bottles sitting on the wall♪
♪若是1个棕瓶掉下墙♪ ♪And if one brown bottle should accidentally fall...♪
快点 1个棕瓶不小心掉下墙 Come on, accidentally fall!
这瓶我还没喝完呢 I haven't finished this one yet!
♪就剩8个棕瓶立墙上♪ ♪There'll be eight brown bottles sitting on the wall♪
♪8个棕瓶立...♪ ♪Eight brown bottles sitting...♪
那是道具 不是给你喝的 You're not supposed to drink 'em!
♪若是1个棕瓶掉下墙♪ ♪And if one brown bottle should accidentally fall♪
♪那就只剩7个 6个棕瓶♪ ♪There'll be seven brown, six brown bottles♪
♪立墙上♪ ♪Sitting on the wall♪
♪5个棕瓶立墙上♪ ♪Five brown bottles sitting on the wall
♪若是1个棕瓶掉下墙♪ ♪And if one brown bottle should accidentally fall...♪
抱歉抱歉 Sorry about that!
♪就剩4个棕瓶立墙上♪ ♪There'll be four brown bottles sitting on the wall♪
♪4个棕瓶立墙上♪ ♪Four brown bottles sitting on the wall...♪
-你在干什么 -扮精灵保安全 - What are you doing? - Elf and safety!
♪若是1个棕瓶不小心掉下墙♪ ♪And if one brown bottle should accidentally fall♪
♪就剩3个♪ ♪There'll be three brown♪
-♪棕瓶立墙上♪ -我要小便 - ♪bottles sitting on the wall... ♪ - I need a wee!
♪3个棕瓶立墙上♪ ♪Three brown bottles sitting on the wall♪
♪若是1个棕瓶♪ ♪And if one brown bottle... ♪
不是那儿 Not there!
♪不小心掉下墙♪ ♪Should accidentally fall♪
♪就剩2个棕瓶立墙上♪ ♪There'll be two brown bottles sitting on the wall♪
-♪2个棕瓶立墙上♪ -爱你 汤米 - ♪Two brown bottles sitting on the wall...♪ - Love you, Tommy.
♪若是1个棕瓶不小心掉下墙♪ ♪And if one brown bottle should accidentally fall♪
♪就剩1个棕瓶立墙上♪ ♪There'll be one brown bottle sitting on the wall...♪
汤米·德瑞克 女士们先生们 Tommy Drake, ladies and gentlemen!
他特别小气 想从他手上拿50便士你得用扳手才行 He's so mean, you'd need a spanner to get 50p out of his hand.
-给我一个吻 -♪那就没有瓶子了♪ - Give us a kiss! - ♪There'll be no more bottles...♪
也没有墙 And no more wall.
演下来真让人精疲力尽 但确实很搞笑 Takes it out of you, that one. It's funny, though.
所以你真不记得伯尼·克利夫顿的化妆室了吗 So, you don't remember Bernie Clifton's dressing room?
不 不记得了 你为什么老提这茬 No, I don't. Why do you have to keep bringing that up?
我们当时在格拉斯哥的文体馆 正在表演《棕瓶》 We were on stage, Glasgow Pavilion, doing Brown Bottles.
你下台拿笤帚 就再也没回来 You walked off to get the broom. You never came back.
留我一个人站在那儿 备受羞辱 You left me standing there, humiliated,
即兴表演了十分钟 vamping for ten minutes
观众却稀稀拉拉地鼓掌 while the audience started slow handclapping,
他们喊着"那个很逗的家伙去哪儿了" people shouting, "Where's the funny one?"
我下台后 I walked off to find you
在伯尼·克利夫顿的化妆室找到了你 你躺在地板上 in Bernie Clifton's dressing room lying on the floor,
被自己的呕吐物堵住了呼吸道 choking in your own vomit.
可能是因为我刚在3分钟内吹了7瓶啤酒 Probably cos I'd just necked seven bottles of beer in three minutes.
是啊 你一周要这样喝多少次 Yeah, and how many times a week did you do that?
我不记得了 I can't remember.
你当然不记得了 Of course you can't remember.
你要是能记得83到87年间的任何事我都感到惊讶 I'm surprised you remember anything from '83 to '87,
你那时候把酒当水喝 the amount you drank.
-你在说什么啊 -你差点没命了 莱恩 - What are you saying? - You nearly died, Len!
你酗酒成瘾 You're an alcoholic.
伯尼·克利夫顿的化妆室就是压垮骆驼的最后一根稻草 And Bernie Clifton's dressing room was the last straw.
他不得不毁掉那只鸵鸟[演出道具] He had to destroy that ostrich, you know.
不 他没有 No, he didn't.
他有 He did.
我赔了他25英镑 但你从来没有赔偿给我 25 quid, I had to give him, which I never saw back.
当时压力很大啊 Well, it's very stressful,
每晚都要上台逗观众笑 going out on stage every night, making people laugh.
这话不用你说我也知道 You don't need to tell me that.
你怎么可能知道呢 汤玛斯 How would you know, Thomas?
在前座开着车往前冲的人是我 I was the one on the front foot driving it.
而你只是坐在那儿 跟个邮筒似的 You just stood there like a fucking pillar box.
所以你才整整十年都酗酒不醒 是吧 Oh, and that's why you were drunk for ten years, is it?
-别那么夸张 -你说是我扼杀了「芝士和饼干」 - Oh, don't exaggerate. - You said I killed Cheese & Crackers...
因为我当时一副苦逼样 Because I was miserable?
你觉得他们为什么不让你上《该死的空格》 Why do you think they wouldn't have you on Blankety Blank,
我们为何在《强手杰克》上演出效果那么差 why we died a death on Crackerjack?
是因为你 It was you.
你总是烂醉如泥 You were always pissed.
我曾深爱表演 I loved performing.
我享受每晚站在台上 I loved being on stage every night.
-没什么能让我更快乐了 -那你为什么离开 - Nothing gave me more joy. - So, why did you leave it all, then?
为了救你 To save you.
做了6集喜剧在安格利亚台播出后 你就成了怪物 You turned into a monster after six half-hours on Anglia.
我很害怕 如果我们再成功一些... I was frightened, if we got any bigger...
你会害死自己 You were killing yourself,
所以我离开了 so I walked away.
可你现在回来了 不是吗 But you came back, didn't you?
是的 但我真希望我没费这个劲 Yes! And I wish I'd never bothered!
抱歉 我打扰到你了吗 Sorry, am I interrupting?
没有 只是在练习我的致辞 No. Just...going through my speech.
-似乎难以找到合适的词 -你一定没问题的 - Hard to find the right words. - I'm sure you'll be fine.
-你在看我父亲的东西吗 -是啊 - Aw, have you been looking through my dad's stuff? - Yeah.
是啊 唤起了很多回忆 Yeah, brought back a lot of memories.
-他是个很逗的人 -是啊 - He was a funny man. - He was.
-来的人多吗 -是的 有一些 - Are there many people here? - Quite a few, yeah.
希德·利特尔 还有几个诺兰家的人 Syd Little, a couple of Nolans.
-我给你拿了流程顺序表 -谢谢 - Brought you the order of service. - Ooh, thanks.
纪念莱恩·谢尔比的一生
你排在珍妮特·克兰奇之后 You'll be on after Janette Krankie,
所以你得等她表演完 把用来垫高的箱子搬走 so if you just give her a moment to move her box...
当然 Oh, yeah.
我父亲希望这能成为一次庆典 My dad wanted it to be a celebration.
献给受邀观众的最后一次表演 One last gig to an invited audience.
只要他们不指望我能搞笑就行了 As long as they don't expect me to be funny.
不 我觉得没人会有那个指望 Oh, no, I don't think anyone's expecting that.
不管怎样都要谢谢你肯来表演 Thanks for doing it, though.
我知道你跟我父亲还有些未解的心结 I know you and my dad had unresolved business.
是的 不过... We did, but, erm...
现在太迟了 It's too late now.
就像我之前说的 想象他在这屋里跟你一起吧 Like I said earlier, just imagine he's here with you in the room.
好的 Yeah.
你会参加之后的活动吧 稍微喝点酒 吃点东西 You will come to the do after, won't you, for a drink and a snack?
我们准备了芝士和饼干 We're, erm, having cheese and crackers.
好极了 Well, quite right, too.
把他的遗体推进礼堂的时候 会播放《喜极而泣》 we're going to be playing Tears Of Laughter when they bring him in,
你先有个心理准备 just so you're prepared.
好的 OK.
我差点忘了 I almost forgot.
他想把这个交给你 He wanted you to have this.
他坚持如此 He was very insistent.
汤玛斯·德瑞克收
他说你会明白的 He said you'd know what it was about.
芝士和饼干
偿还「伯尼·克利夫顿的化妆室」那次欠的钱 抱歉我搞砸了
谢谢 老搭档 Thank you, old pal.
♪永别之期悄然近♪ ♪ It's almost time to say goodbye, ta-ta and fare-thee-well ♪
♪人生终有落幕时♪ ♪ It's almost time to bring the curtain down ♪
♪我会说再会♪ ♪ I'll say adieu... ♪
-对我吗 -对你 - To me? - To you.
♪与你相伴长欢乐♪ ♪ So long, it has been swell ♪
♪心悲痛莫强欢笑♪ ♪ But don't you cry the tears of a clown ♪
♪若真要哭♪ ♪ If you're going to cry ♪
♪也请喜极而泣♪ ♪ Cry tears of laughter ♪
♪笑颜总比蹙眉易♪ ♪ A smile takes much less effort than a frown ♪
♪再来个笑话 让全场爆笑♪ ♪ So, let's have one more joke and raise the rafters ♪
♪毕竟笑料可是当世奇药♪ ♪ Cos laughter's the best medicine in town... ♪
医生 医生 我总感觉像要生产的产妇 Doctor! Doctor! I keep feeling like a woman who delivers babies.
别担心 只是「助产妇危机」罢了 Ooh, don't worry. It's just a midwife crisis.
♪没错 若真要哭♪ ♪ Yes, if you're going to cry ♪
♪也请喜极而泣♪ ♪ Cry tears of laughter ♪
♪你的笑骨断不了♪ ♪ Your funny bone can never break in two ♪
♪痛苦也许能让你问鼎学院奖♪ ♪ Misery might let you win a BAFTA ♪
♪但欢笑将让你永驻我心间♪ ♪ But laughter is my memory of you... ♪
这世上有三种人 There are three types of people in this world -
-会数数的 和不会数数的 -太糟了 - those that can count and those that can't. - Terrible!
♪欢笑让你永驻我心间♪ ♪ Laughter is my memory of you... ♪
知道吗 汤米 我花了整整四年 Do you know, Tommy, I've spent the last four years
想找到杀死我岳母的人 looking for my mother-in-law's killer,
但没人肯接这个活儿 but no-one will do it!
♪是的 欢笑让你永驻...♪ ♪ Yes, laughter is my memory of... ♪
♪我心间♪ ♪ You! ♪